Gaslighter - 11 common behaviors

Gaslighting  (read: gaslaiting) is an insidious form of manipulation and psychological control. Victims of gaslighting are deliberately and systematically fed with false information that leads them to question reality and truth — often — about themselves.

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Gaslighter (translated into Polish means "lighter") is a torturer (both male and female) who often uses the following 11 tactics to manipulate and control his victim:

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1. Tells blatant lies.

You know it's an outright lie. And yet the gaslighter tells you them with a serious face, as if he were telling the truth.

Why is it so blatant? Because a precedent is being created. When he tells you a big lie, you are not sure what he is saying is true.

The goal is to keep you guessing  and instability.

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2. Denies ever having said anything, even if you have proof.

You know he said he would do something; you know you heard it. But he still denies it. It makes that​​ you start to doubt the facts - "maybe he never said that." And the more he does it, the more you question your reality and start accepting the gaslighter versions.

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“When I caught my boyfriend having sex with someone, he flatly said it didn't happen - that I imagined everything. He called me crazy today ... "- Anna

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3. Use what is close and dear to you as ammunition.

He knows how important your children are to you and how important your identity is to you. So it might be one of the first things it attacks. If you have children, he tells you that you shouldn't have them because you are a terrible parent. Or, you may hear that you would be a great person if you didn't have a long list of negative qualities. If you ever confided in him about your complex - be sure to be meticulous  it will use it against you to further increase your sense of inferiority or being inferior.

Gaslighter will attack the foundation of your person and  your identity, the more our bullets (by confiding secrets or weaknesses) to him, the more meticulous he uses them against you.  

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"My wife is a pitiful loser and must know the truth." ―Anonymous husband

“The work your department is doing is a waste of time and resources. How do you even justify your hiring? ―Anonymous manager

“I hate it when you put your groceries on the cash desk like this. I told you, that's a lot  times, I HATE! " ―Mother to daughter in the supermarket

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4. As time goes on, it destroys you more and more.

This is one of the sneaky things about gaslighting - it gets stronger gradually. A lie here, a lie there, a mocking comment every now and then ... and then it starts to spin. Even the brightest, most conscious people can be drawn into gaslighting. The operation of the gaslighter is  analogous to heating a frog in a pot of water: the heat is increased slowly so the frog does not realize what is happening to it. An eternal attacker, the gaslighter finally weakens his victim, which becomes discouraged, resigned, pessimistic, scared, weakened and self-doubting. The victim begins to question their perception, identity and reality.

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5. His actions do not match his words.

When dealing with a person using gaslighting, pay attention to what he is doing, not what he says. What he says means nothing - they're just words that are meant to lower your self-esteem - often have nothing to do with the truth, or to question your perception of reality - often rightly perceived by you and specially distorted by the gaslighter.  

The problem is what it does - it destroys you, your self-esteem and your image of reality.  

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6. He puts in positive reinforcement to confuse you.

Gaslighter, who manipulates you to cut you off from the truth and tells you how worthless a person you are, suddenly praises you for what you have done. Pay attention to what you have been praised for - it is probably something that served / was needed by your torturer. 

This is another manipulative tactic. Gaslighter from time to time treats the victim with gentleness, moderation and even superficial kindness or remorse, in order to give them false hope. Under these circumstances, the victim might think, "Maybe he really isn't that bad", "Maybe things will get better" or "I'll give him a chance."

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Be careful! Temporary meekness is often a calculated maneuver to instill complacency and diminish the victim's vigilance before the next attack begins. It is also a calculated attempt to keep you uncertain and unstable - to challenge your perception of reality. With this tactic, the gaslighter further strengthens the interdependent relationship.

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7. Creates co-addictive relationships

Oxford Dictionary  defines codependency as "excessive emotional or psychological dependence on a partner." 

Gaslighter knows that people like to feel stable and normal. His goal is to root out this and force you to constantly question everything. And people's natural tendency is to have a relationship with a person who will help them feel more stable - and that person happens to be  for you, there is  your  torturer.  Gaslighter has the power to express acceptance, approval, respect, safety and protection. It also has the power to take away these "privileges" from you, and often threatens to do so. A codependent relationship arises based on fear, vulnerability, and marginalization.

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8. Designs.

Gaslighter may be addicted to alcohol, drugs, cheating ... or he is a fraud, but he keeps accusing you of doing so. It happens so often  that you are starting to defend yourself  translate ... and thus you distract from the behavior of your torturer, and with time you start to avoid  subject of his addiction, lying or betrayal, because you know nothing  you will not recover / explain, but only attack you and again you will have to explain something  what you didn't do.  

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9. I'm trying to turn people against you.

Gaslighter is a master at manipulating and finding people he knows will be there for you no matter what - he'll easily use these people against you. He will make comments like, "That person knows you're wrong," or "That person knows you're useless too."

Remember that this does not mean that these people actually said such things. Gaslighter is an eternal liar. When a gaslighter uses this tactic you don't know who to trust or whom to turn to - and that brings you back to your abuser. And that's what he wants: isolating you from others gives him more control over you . Nobody will tell you about his behavior (betrayals, addictions ...)  no one will give you a hand to pull you out  of this relationship, it will be you and  he - and that's what the gaslighter is all about.

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10. It tells you or others that you are confused.

This is one of the gaslighter's most effective tools because it is disrespectful. Gaslighter knows that if he questions your mental health, people will not believe you if you tell them that he - the gaslighter - is insulting you or out of control. This is a masterful technique.

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11. He tells you that everyone else is liars. 

Telling you that everyone else (your family, friends ...) are liars makes you question your reality again. You've never met someone who did that, so he must be telling the truth, right? Not! It's a manipulation technique. It causes people to turn to the gaslighter for "real" information - which is not true at all.

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The more you are aware of these techniques, the faster you can identify them and avoid falling into the gaslighter's trap.  

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